the miracle of her birth...

August 3rd, 2006 at 2:22am, is when Kiley was born. It was the most amazing experience I have ever had, nothing will ever come close to it. I remember singing Happy Birthday to her when they put her on my chest as soon as she was born. There was an instant bond formed and I now was holding the most important little person in my life. She wrapped her tiny little wrinkly hand around my pointer finger and cooed and I was hooked. I don't remember seeing or hearing anything after that from anyone else around me. It was all about her, I remember right after I breast fed for the first time and being so scared that she wasn't going to like doing it or something like that, but I was wrong. She latched right on and ate like a little pig, from that moment on I would feel like a milk machine, she seemed to never stop eating. I fed her in Borders, Shop Rite, in the car hunched over her car seat, while my mom drove because she decided that she had to eat then, and would scream until she got her way. I felt like I didn't have a life outside of nursing, but that was ok with me. She was my life now, my new life that I was lucky enough to have. It was the most overwhelming feeling, her birth, exciting, scary, mind blowing to say the least, I mean here is this tiny baby, who a minute ago was in my belly and now is on the outside, in the world ready to observe everything, because everything will be new, exciting and interesting. Being pregnant was one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive. I loved every second of it. It truly was the happiest time of my life. I played her music everyday and when I did she would really start moving around. I used to love holding my belly and feeling everything she was doing. She had the hiccups every day from 5 months on. I would get woken up almost every night at 2 am bc she had them. Now when she gets them I can't help but be sad a little because I am not feeling them with her. Today is her birthday and I am in shock that 3 years have gone by so quickly. I am blessed everyday I get to spend with her. She has made my life have true meaning, and my heart has been overflowing with love and happiness. Happy Birthday Kiley Ann, thank you for making me a mommy!!

I got my floss on at Wal-Mart today...

Ok, ok... No flossing here. I actually was one of those people today who ventures into public looking like I dress myself out of a garbage can. I had my ripped up pajamas on that I have been rocking for 3 days now, no bra and no makeup. I was looking like a hella hot mess. Anyway, that's not the point of this story.

My Aunt Toni (now I'm not sure if she wants her name on this so we will call her Aunt Schlomi) So Aunt Schlomi drove me since I can't drive for another 2 months because of my stupid ass foot. She just got a new SUV and decides to park in the next town over to insure she won't get a scratch on her new baby. When she asked me if I wanted to get dropped off at the door my eye caught a coveted front row spot and I, like a jackass, assumed she was going to take it, which led me to turning down the offer thinking, "well what the hell, it's only a few more steps." WRONG! 5 Hours later I finally crutch my sweaty ass into the freezing cold store which immediately made me think "damn I should have worn a bra." Now normally I would go about my business in the store on my crutches but this time being as that I had already crutched a New York Marathon I opted for the first time for one of those motorized carts. Let me just tell you, It's not as easy as it looks. Don't let old people fool you, they are smarter and more agile than you think. Operating one of these carts takes a lot of hand-eye coordination, which is a department I am lacking in, ask any of my friends. I have seen many 90 year old people hauling ass around corners with precision accuracy. I seriously knocked down like every display I could get my cart near. I have a new found respect for people driving those carts. (hurt and old people only though, not the overweight people that use them. They are not there so you can be lazy, now get up and walk damn it.) This still isn't the point of this story.

So I'm looking like a skankbag and I'm pissed off because I only went there for a few items and my aunt decides she is going to buy the whole friggin store. Everything is getting loaded into my cart, making it that much more difficult for me to maneuver. I stopped right in the middle of an aisle and told her to come back to me when she was done because I was knocking into things and running children over with this stupid ass cart. So I'm sitting there parked while she shops and some guy approached me and was trying to kick game. I'm shocked because I dwouldn't have wanted to talk to me looking the way I was looking. I looked like a bag lady, have some self respect mister, Geez! He goes on to tell me that his name is Jungle Jim (Jungle Jim really?) and asks me what my favorite brand is and now I'm really confused. (brand? brand of what?) Then the creepy man, er. Jungle Jim points next to me and it is only then that I knew what he was referring to...condoms... what? CONDOMS??!!!! I didn't realize it but I parked right next to the condom/lube/shit I never even knew existed aisle. So he repeats himself, "What is your favorite brand?" I could feel my face getting red and not from embarrassment but from being pissed off. The nerve of that guy. Did he really think I came to Wal-Mart to get harassed? Not today I didn't. I came to get my bargain on just like everyone else and get the hell out of there. Most of the time I'm skulking about trying not to get spotted, especially today, pajama day!!

I think the point of this whole story is A) don't go in public dressed like a skank B) always, always, ALWAYS wear a bra and C) aviod the prophylactic aisle at all costs. Screw that, avoid Wal-Mart at all costs. Ladies, aviod men at all costs or at least men who go by the name Jungle Jim.

The art of letting go...

I am definitely a dreamer. I have seen a lot of them come true, the biggest one being my daughter Kiley. A lot of them I have had to let go over the years. When I was little I used to have this crazy idea that I was going to build this mansion and have all of my family live with me. That obviously was never going to happen A) it would be way too expensive and B) most of them have passed away and the rest of us that are living don't exactly get along anymore. I remember in school out teachers always telling us to dream big and reach our goals. That is good to tell kids but at what point does that become a way to set yourself up for disappointment. I definitely beat the crap out of myself if I don't accomplish something that I wanted to or things don't pan out the way I originally intended. I think the point of dreaming and having goals in life is to give us hope and to have something to work towards. They should tell you when you aer younger that it's great to have goals but if it doesn't pan out it's ok. Start with fresh ideas and go for them instead. I think the whole point is to never give up. To always stay positive and motivated and things will fall into place the way they were supposed to.

Kiley, this ones for you...

Being a single mom I am finding is a lot more difficult than I had ever imagined. A lot of the time I am second guessing myself and some of the decisions I am making. I'm definately my own worst critic and harder on myself than I probably should be. I want so much for Kiley and I am scared that I won't be able to give her everything she deserves. I want her to grow up and be strong and confidant in herself and know that she is an amazing person everyday. I don't want her to be afraid to come to me at anytime and tell me anything that she wants to talk about. I want her to know that I will always be there for her no matter what and will never turn her away. I don't ever want her to feel like the black sheep because if for some reason that's what she is, then I want her to know that that is the cool thing to be just because SHE is it. I want her to be curious and explore everything and not just take someone's word for it. I want her to know things because she figured it out for herself. I want her to love and accept everyone. I don't want her to be afraid to try new things. I want her to be welcoming and warm and always on her toes because sometimes things and people aren't always what they seem. I want her to stand up for what is right even if it means she is standing alone. I don't want her to ever feel afraid to speak up or be bullied down and lose her voice. I want her to always defend herself and stand by her decisions. Most of all I want her to find love and fall in it because it is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Love often and love much. I know she is only 2 1/2 and sharing toys has been a work in progress but I think a lot of these things are going to come to her like second nature. Hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. :) Kiley Ann, I wish you could read this and understand it but just know that I am going to do my very best in giving you everything you need and will always be here to help you through anything you are going through. You have given me the most important job in the world "mommy" and for that I will always be grateful. I love you.

To Blog or not to Blog

Ive always wanted to do this and I wasn't sure if I would ever get around to doing it but as I always say, there is no time like the present. I think I see things differently than most people and I think that's what makes me unique. Well, one of the things that makes me unique. I'm kind of in my own little world most of the time. You should join me sometime. People tend to visit and never forget the trip.